This was posted on Fetlife shortly after 2014 GLLA. Reproduced with permission of the author.
So, recently I had the opportunity to pick up some new toys from Mr. Malaprop. For anyone who doesn’t know, he makes a wide assortment of fun beating implements, usually of the paddle and cane variety. Although he also makes some really nasty ones utilizing microphone cable…..
He uses a variety of exotic hardwoods, and does damn fine work. I recently grabbed up two paddles, a cane, and a small titty slappy thing I don’t know the name for, lol. The big paddle is made from padauk, with a veneered and solid redwood core, and a sexy ass handle made from heart and sapwood ebony, giving it that two-tone appearance. It is one of his “unbreakable” paddles, meaning that if you somehow break it on soft tissue, he’ll replace it. So don’t go fighting robots or the rock guy from Galaxy Quest with it, m’kay? So far, I totally believe it. It’s light, but delivers one hell of a smack. (As in, bruises-on-the-first-hit-if-you’re-not-careful, smack.)
The second paddle is made from a solid piece of lignum vitae, with a cocobolo handle. It delivers a nice, stingy hit, and is surprisingly heavy, due to the wood. Lignum vitae is extremely dense and hard (much like me, must be why I like it…), and is a sinkwood (meaning it won’t float in water). It also smells amazing. (yes, I fully admit Mr. Malaprop’s wood smells amazing, sniff it for yourself, you’ll see I’m right, and I’m sure he won’t mind)
The cane is padauk with (I have been corrected, I originally said maple…derp) a basswood core, and also looks unbreakable, plus it hits solid as fuck (scientific term).
The titty slappy thing is also padauk, but heavily figured and veneered. I got this one strictly because it’s fucking gorgeous, and I’m scared I’ll break it if I’m not careful. However, I did use it quite a bit, and not gently, and it held up just fine.
Now at this point, I’m sure I’m coming off as a fanboy, but oh well. I’m a toy snob, I freely admit it. I don’t put my money down on crap. I buy high end firearms, knives, watches, and yes, kinky sex toys. I’m a total sucker for craftsmanship, and I would rather have a few really nice, durable things, than a cornucopia of lesser things.
Don’t get me wrong, DIY toys, or toys a friend makes in their spare time are awesome, and certainly have their place. But if you want something sexy as fuck, that will last? Check out his inventory.
Are they cheap? No. Are they expensive? Again, no, I don’t think so. I found them to be very fairly priced for the quality and durability you’re getting, and I’ll likely be picking up more in the near future.
On an added aside, I think part of the reason I like his stuff is because I like the guy. He’s passionate about what he does, outgoing, and very knowledgeable about his craft. And it shows in the final product. So the next time you see him at an event, check out his wares! Also, he does do engraving, for that added personal touch or bit of flair, like stamping someone’s ass with a classily scripted “slut”.
Okay, I’m done gushing, I’m going to go back to playing with another man’s wood now.